Give Commitments, Only If You Can Honor

Making empty commitments is common nowadays. Some people readily make commitments without any idea of whether they can honor them. Such unkept assurances not only affect others but lower the reputation and credibility of those making such promises. The two factors that affect commitment are the performance and time. Through good planning and judgement, successful people fulfil any commitment. Whatever be the reasons, one should exercise care in giving commitments to others while the latter should also be prudent equally in accepting such undertakings. The real life situations are given here to highlight the value of commitments.
Unprincipled politicians the world over have one thing in common: They are experts in providing fantastic and hollow promises to garner the votes. Once the elections are over, they forget the people and their commitments to make wealth for themselves by exploring all avenues including corruption. There are instances when the nations do not abide by the agreements signed by them.
When the incompetent people occupy the sensitive posts, they make commitments unaware of the practicality. It's akin to taking a journey without any idea of the topography or climate in a region. A bank manager assured his customer to sanction the credit within three days as the latter wished to procure more stocks for the festival season. However, the manager failed by giving a lame excuse 'The concerned officer took leave.' The frustrated client complained to the bank's higher office who in turn shifted the manager to a remote office.
A person assured to get admission for his friend's son in a reputed college. However, he did not make any efforts towards that end. His guest suffered and understood the real nature of the former. A relative couldn't turn up at the airport to receive the guests, but he arranged his friend, a stranger to the latter, complete that assignment.
The majority of the people do not pay their loans on time. Because they deliberately evade the commitments for selfish reasons. Some people spend lavishly unmindful of the future burden by grabbing the credit cards and loans offered by banks. A neighbor staying in the rented flat absconded without paying the dues of the card company that came searching for him.
Education without the interest and commitment of the learner has no use. A degree might be a license for securing a job. Swami Vivekananda rejected his father's proposal to pursue higher studies abroad by saying, "That would facilitate making money and power. Permit me to gain wisdom the best education ever for human life."
One should have the courage to say a decisive 'N0' when somebody approaches for help. Commit, only if you can.

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A Commitment to Love Greatly Differs From a Loving Commitment

The Decision to Love
"And these three remain, Faith, Hope, and Love...
But the greatest of these is Love."
I Cor. 13
We are exhorted and encouraged over and over throughout the scriptures to:

• "Love one another"...
• "Love one another, even as I have Loved you"... that's what Jesus said.

We are told time and time again that:

• We are a family... the kind that God intended, not society's incorrect and accepted view of what a family can be...
• That we are Brothers and Sisters...
• That we are of One Body, One Mind, and One Spirit...
• And that we have a closeness, likeness, and understanding of pure Love that the world will never know, except as we share that incredible Love of God with them.

Aren't those beautiful, eloquent, comforting words? Doesn't that give you peace deep within every time you hear them? The very thought, the concept of such wonderful, limitless, unconditional Love... no matter how messed up I am, or how many mistakes I make... GOD LOVES ME! And I'm sure that each of YOU will be there for me, too... right?
 
     Let's face it, folks. We, as fleshly creatures, were not created with an inherent tendency to Love others, but rather, to Love ourselves... then if all goes well and things are going o.k., to Love others. Why do think Jesus made such a point of telling us to Love others more than ourselves? Because it's not a natural thing for us to do that, that's why He had to keep telling us.

• The very fact that we are in the flesh makes us have the burning desire to fulfill that flesh, not the commandments of Love.
• Our body WANTS to sin by putting things in and on our bodies that are not healthy, but feel good (at least according to our culture and the world's perspective), and our body WANTS to lust, not Love...
• Our minds WANT to think of things that they shouldn't, and technology has made it just entirely too easy to add visual stimulation to sexual sins, violence, and all kinds of abusive filth, rather than things that keep our thoughts clean, pure, and on God...
• Our desire to please, comfort, and entertain our flesh drives us NOT to God, and NOT to His kind of Love, but to all kinds of sinful things and material things to fulfill those desires, wants, and selfish needs.

Not that material things in and of themselves are sinful... don't misunderstand that... but if our priorities become more aligned with the world than they are with God, thinking that we can gather, gather, gather, and get around to distributing or using those things for Him later...
Then It Is A Sin, folks! Because we make those things sinful when we take the blessings and refuse to use those things for Him, and when we make those things more important than Him.
 
And we are told in scripture that our tongue steers our life like a small rudder can turn a ship.
That we have this incredible power to destroy others and ourselves with just the wickedness and evil weaponry of this little piece of our flesh called our tongue. In the Bible it is compared to a two-edged sword that can cut, kill, dismember, and mame when it's used as a weapon of destruction.
We're so worried about the weapons of mass destruction in other countries that I'm afraid we have forgotten the worst weapon of mass destruction that has ever existed, and that, of course, is our own tongue and what comes from it.
Look in your Bible. It's filled with scripture after scripture after scripture about our speech, our tongue, our words, and the power that passes from our hearts... through our lips... and into the hearts & minds of everyone who hears us, including yourself.
That's right. When you speak, you actually hear yourself, and that truly does influence you.
Yet we have the same incredible and unequalled power of our God in that same tongue...
"Through God ALL things are possible!" This evil tool can become the soul-saving gift of God to the person who doesn't yet know God! With God's Word and His Love in me, it can be Life that flows from my lips, instead of death, depression, and cutting, ever-scarring hate. And the first sinner it can save is Me. My own soul.
Think about that... you hold the final decision of Life or Death to every person you speak to everyday. Eternal, forever, no second chances Life or Death to that person. Look into their eyes... their fate... their entire eternity, depends on your decision. Will you choose to let them live, or condemn them to death? Which do you decide to give them?
 
This leads me to another quick point here; If you fill a glass with milk, do you expect to taste orange juice when you drink it? Of course not! If you put milk in, then you get milk out, right?
Then why is it that we think that somehow we can fill our minds or our children's minds with Godly things, when we watch things, listen to things, and read things that are ungodly... in fact, that are in direct opposition to God? "Evil companions corrupt good morals." Remember something in Proverbs along those lines? You only get out what you put in! That's not my idea, that's just the way our physical world and nature works. And like it or not, your spirit resides in a fleshly physical vessel right now.
 
If you want to give that person we spoke about a few minutes ago Life, then you better have some Life in you, which can only be God in you, to give them! Otherwise you are condemning them to Death, right alongside you. Yes, you'll be right there with them, because when you choose Death for them, it's only because Death is in you... and because only Death is in you.
"You cannot serve two Masters. You either Love one and hate the other, or cling to one and despise the other." You either have Life or Death in you to give to others... but I can promise you, based on scripture, that you don't have both. We were created in spirit to Love God, but in the flesh we were born to a sinful nature that we are told about many times.
So this Love that the scripture tells us is "the greatest of the three things", that Jesus instructs us we should have for one another... Even as He Loved us! To the point of ultimate sacrifice!
This Love that we are instructed to have for God, our Father; and for one another
- How do we achieve it?
- What is it?
- Where can we find it?
- Who can really do that, Love like that?
 
When we see someone, what do we do? We begin to formulate our judged opinion of them, right? And the more we see that person week to week, sometimes day to day, the more we find this fault, or that annoying habit, or some kind of negative thing about that person. Whether it's a brother or sister, a friend or an enemy, it's all the same, except we make a more conscious effort to define every flaw in our enemies and those we don't really care for. But we pick people apart, regardless of who they are.
The biggest difference is that we somehow find a way to overlook and diminish the faults of those we care about to a point that we can bear to live with them... Right husbands and wives?
 
So how can we sinful, wicked, creatures that live in a world where Satan's most powerful tools against us are the whole world that surrounds us and swallows us up, and the flesh that we find so difficult to deny in one way or another... These are Satan's strengths here... so, how can we Love like God tells us we should?
Through dedicated, committed, unwavering determination and concentration to do what He has instructed us to do. You go to work, let people tell you when you can go to the bathroom and take a break, and let them tell you how much you're worth and how much time you can spend at home. Admit it, most of us don't like that. It's hard to keep going sometimes, but we know we have to. So we do. No matter how much we don't like it and no matter how tired we get.
 
For us, Love is like that sometimes... well, really, most of the time. There will come a time in your relationship, whether to God... or your husband or wife... or to your best friend... that you simply decide to Love that person. NO MATTER WHAT! You have to consciously make the decision to Love, rather than hate...
You have to make the decision to go against your inherent sinful nature and Decide to Love;

• To put out the effort today in order to get the reward tomorrow... delayed gratification
• To build and encourage, rather than tear down and discourage
• To speak kindness, rather than meanness
• To lift up, rather than hold down

You have to make the decision;

• To let God speak through you, rather than let Satan perverse your words
• To confess and learn from your mistakes, instead of deny your sins and continue your failures
• To choose Life for your soul, instead of Death for you and all those around you

If you have an interest in the Bible, missions work, or religious matters, you will most likely enjoy and learn much from my site: [http://www.MissionsWorks.org] You may also want to visit my blog: http://360.yahoo.com/brantdeth
The sites are designed to teach, but also to provide numerous resources on the Restoration Movement that took place in America's early history. There are several resources that you can access from the site, as well as some very basic biblical teaching that may enlighten you or others about just what the Bible tells us, without interjection of man's creeds or opinions.
I am also working on a book of my own that should provide some interest to a wider audience, whether believers or not. The book briefly addresses some of man's theories (Darwin, Uniformitarianism, Existentialism, and others), the age of our earth (and universe as a whole) by genealogical and secular historical perspectives, and other interesting aspects of our being.
At some point, though not ready yet, MissionsWorks.org will also provide an interactive living map of where missions works are being performed globally.
Any thoughts, comments, or feedback is always appreciated! God Bless You!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1838677

God's Love and Love in a Marriage

Jesus led a simple life of love. His life is a model for living in faith and love - in particular, love in a marriage.
What is love in a marriage?
A marriage is a purposeful decision to create something new for two individuals. This new creation requires three integral components to cherish and grow: intimacy, passion, and commitment.
From the Christian point of view, love is first and foremost based on God's love - a decision to love God and be loved by Him.
"Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?" (Romans 8:35)
Accordingly, the purpose of a Christian marriage is to imitate Christ to love one another, as well as to know God through the knowledge and the love for each other.
Self-love (not the narcissistic love of self to the exclusion of loving others) is the foundation of love, including the love of God. The reason is that self-love is an expression of moral obligation to the Creator - a belief that we are created in His image, and therefore we should love ourselves, as well as others. Self-love, surprisingly, is a prerequisite for loving others, including God. This belief makes us extend our love of self to love of God, as well as to others, who are all created by the same God and in the same image.
Love in a marriage is made up intimacy, passion, and commitment. Intimacy is connectedness to your marriage partner through sharing values and feelings of closeness. Passion is a result of the intimacy, leading to romance, physical attraction, and sexual consummation. Essentially, passion is purposeful involvement, requiring a decision. Commitment, too, is a decision to sustain the relationship in spite of the odds and obstacles encountered. Life is full of choices and decisions, and marriage is no exception.
Jesus' life is a model for love in a marriage. He lived with the purpose of doing the will of His Father - acceptance for all, including Jews and Gentiles, rich and poor, young and old; He demonstrated His commitment to preach God's message of unconditional love and forgiveness.
A successful marriage is one in which two individuals have made a decision to love each other. However, a decision to love does not necessarily imply a commitment to love. Commitment to love often grows or increases over time, provided the marriage partners can survive the ups and downs of a marriage - and this is where commitment to love plays a pivotal part. Remember, commitment to love is a decision in life, just as our decision to love God. It is more than words or mere talk: it is action in faith: "let us not love with word or tongue, but in deed and truth." (1 John 3:18)
Love is the foundation of a good marriage, and that love is cherished and enhanced by the love of God.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/3014636

Till Death Do Us Part - A Thought About LOVE

I believe there are five key elements to keeping a marriage in tact and fruitful. Forgiveness is the first key to unlocking a healthy and happy marriage. And true forgiveness can only occur when we abide in Jesus and understand how much He has forgiven us. Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. The second of those five elements is Love. I want to tackle the subject of love in this article.
Forgive - Love - Trust - Endure Hardship - Submit
Eph 5:22-30 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. (esv)
Many people I know who have gone through a divorce or are struggling in their marriage tell me a very similar story, "I just don't love my spouse anymore." Or they go on to say that the love just isn't the same as it used to be, that they are falling out of love. Now love can be a somewhat tricky and complex subject. We use the word love for so many different things. I love my new car, I love pasta, I love my baby girl, and I love my wife. All are a feeling of love and all are quite different from one another.
The meaning of love has become so watered down in marriage that it is almost undefinable. If you were to take five minutes and write a definition of what love meant when it pertained to your spouse what would it look like? It may include similar words such as adore or affection. The thoughts of sexual pleasure may come to mind when you think about what love means in your marriage. Words like passion, desire, and tenderness come to mind as well when one talks about love in marriage. But when it comes to love in the marriage relationship, what does the Bible have to say about it?
I think to understand love in marriage we first need to ask ourselves one question. What is the purpose of marriage? Some may say it is to have kids, others say marriage is for sex and companionship, and still others might think the purpose of marriage is to have a legal commitment so we have equal rights as couples for the benefits of health insurance, retirement, etc... Unfortunately every one of these definitions of marriage miss the mark.
The purpose of marriage can be defined in a couple of ways. One definition can include: marriage is to physically, emotionally, and spiritually unite a man and a woman together into a covenant relationship with each other and God. Marriage, as shown in Eph 5:22-30 makes it very clear that God brings a man and a woman together for the purpose of saying something about how Christ relates to His church. The wife, out of obedience to God submits to the husband. The husband, out of obedience to God loves and gives up himself for his wife. (Submission is not the topic I am going to cover here, but will at a future time.)
I understand that marriage can be quite difficult and the last thing we feel like doing sometimes is submitting, loving, and giving ourselves up for one another... Trust me, I have had my share of nights on the couch and even spent several weeks on someone else's couch until we could get things to settle down in our marriage. Marriage takes hard work and often times the only way to keep it in tact is to remember the fact that we have a commitment to each other and to God to stay together. I have never heard anyone on their wedding day say, "I can't wait till I fall out of love with my wife so we can get a divorce and live separate lives one day." We get married because we love and cherish one another so deeply that we can't imagine life apart from one another. Often times in our marriage the key to keeping on is to go back in our minds to that time when this person was the most important person in the world to you. To remember the feelings of love and hope that brought you together. When we take the focus off the financial burdens, the hectic schedules, our kids and our job and put it back on the things that made our relationship wonderful at the start, then we can begin to rebuild and repair the distance that time and lack of hard work has created in the marriage.
This may be a totally corny illustration, but love to me is similar to a gas station. We can dispense it for hours on end, but we will eventually run out if we aren't getting replenished by the fuel truck each day. Have you ever pulled up to the gas station when the fuel truck has arrived? All the pumps are shut down for awhile and the lot is coned off so nobody can get their fuel. After just a few minutes the station is up and running again and ready to serve... This is how it should be with our marriage. We need to stop what we are doing and allow the Holy Spirit to fill us up with the Father's love each day so we can go out and fill up our spouse, our children, and those we encounter.
1Pe 4:8-10 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace: (esv)
So, how do we earnestly love our spouse each day without grumbling when it feels like giving up would be a lot easier? Peter tells us to keep loving earnestly. This passage relates to how we should love one another as saints, but fits perfectly in how a Christian man and woman should love each other as husband and wife. One of the key phrases in this passage is to "Keep Loving Earnestly." The King James version states it in a little different way, "And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins." To keep loving earnestly, or to have fervent charity, means that we are to show Gods' agape love toward one another with eagerness and tenacity and in doing so the sins that have been done against us will be more easily forgiven. When I think of someone who shows tenacious love toward someone the picture of a rock climber comes to mind. Each hand hold is planned and thoroughly thought out, where one places his feet can be the difference between life and death, safety equipment is in place to keep one from falling, and above all, a rock climber can never give up until he reaches the end of his climb.
That is how it is to be in our marriages. We plan out how we are to grasp onto our spouse so we can live in security with one another. We only place our feet in a direction that keeps us safe. Not taking a different path and breaching the trust of our spouse through unfaithfulness which leads to the death of the marriage. We are accountable to friends and fellow Christians (our safety ropes) in how we treat our spouse, and we are determined that even if we are tired, we can't see the next foothold or handhold, and the top of the climb seems so far away, we will never give up on our marriage. Knowing that our marriage is to display the Glory of God should be a huge incentive to remember that it has been designed for a purpose. Even if it is hard, God has put your spouse into your life to display His glory and if we believe He brought us together for a purpose then we must also believe that Rom 8:28 will come to pass in our marriage as well as the rest of our life.
I certainly can't talk about God's love in our marriages without going to 1Cor 13:4-13. This is a very common passage in the Bible about love and certainly needs to be looked at. As I was meditating over it I really tried to hear God speaking it to me rather than just reading the words on the page. In these verses is the key to how we can love our spouse in our marriage and not get frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, stressed out, and give up. When we realize that loving our spouse is not about us and all about God we are able to take the focus off of our self and direct it back to Him. We are to be a mirror of God's love to our spouse. The only way a mirror can reflect the love of God is when it is pointed toward God. When we point our life and devotion to the Creator of the universe and bathe in His love then we are more capable of displaying it back to our spouse. Some of the key words in chapter 13 are:

• Patient
• Kind
• Humble
• Rejoices in Truth
• Bears All Things
• Hopeful
• Endures
• Not Irritable
• Never Ending

These characteristics of love can't be achieved by our own doing. They can only be accomplished by God himself working through us. So, how do we love our spouse the way Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her? By looking to Christ. By spending time in the Word getting fueled up so that we are able to then give back to our spouse. By keeping our path straight and not looking at others to fill our emotional or sexual needs but allowing God to fill them through our spouse. By being accountable to friends and fellow believers in and about our relationship with our spouse. And by most of all, understanding for ourselves what love truly means and no matter what, showing it, living it, and being it for the person we chose to spend the rest of our life with.
1Co 13:4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
1Co 13:5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
1Co 13:6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
1Co 13:7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1Co 13:8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
1Co 13:9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
1Co 13:10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
1Co 13:12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
1Co 13:13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
Father God, I pray for my marriage and the marriages of every Christian couple that you have brought together. If we live like the world and leave the relationships you designed like the world does, then what does that say about how we interpret your love? Please help us to be strengthened, patient, and loving in our marriage so we can glorify you in them. In Jesus name, Amen

I write devotions and stories for the purpose of sharing encouragement and God's love to fellow believers in Jesus Christ. I also am hoping that during this process we can reach those who wander in and see their need for a personal relationship with Jesus. I hope you will join me in this pursuit.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/4376264

When Love Means Safety

What language does love speak?
By what values is love defined?
Love's values are found in being meek.
Love speaks a language that's kind.
Self-sacrifice for others,
Is nothing about needing to be needed,
It's about giving ourselves for our sisters and brothers,
That's how God's Word is heeded.
Men especially, but women too,
Lead their own by humility,
Giving the love that's due,
Is about ending all hostility.
As a man, like so many men, I've so often failed the very standard I'm discussing here, but it doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for it. Our women - our wives, mothers and daughters - need our love to be spoken in the language of safety, of trustworthiness, of being meek enough to sacrifice ourselves.
Such safety is a refuge for the vulnerable; an exemplification of God's safe love. But it's not only our women who need it - or us men needing something of it from our women, though we ought to outdo each other, men for women, women for men, in the doing of our love.
It's our kids that need it, first and foremost.
If us men can love our women - our wives, mothers and daughters - then there's a massive positive impact for our sons' lives, too. Is there a more significant legacy to leave our sons than teaching them to respect girls and women?
Love must come first. Before rules. Before discipline. Before 'parenting'. If love comes first the apt requisite for rules and discipline and parenting is set.
Safety means declaring a war by peace on all hostility. It's a making of progress by the powers of love that overcome all fear and division because love never fails.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9588051

7 Steps to Loving Yourself and Your Relationships

"A troop of porcupines is milling about on a cold winter's day. In order to keep from freezing, the animals move closer together. Just as they are close enough to huddle, however, they start to poke each other with their quills. In order to stop the pain, they spread out, lose the advantage of commingling, and again begin to shiver. This sends them back in search of one and other, and the cycle repeats as they struggle to find a comfortable distance between entanglement and freezing." Arthur Shopenhauer
We are wired for love and connection. Without it, as babies, we don't survive. Without it, as adults, we can't thrive. Self actualization simply doesn't happen inside a vacuum. We need others in order to be and share our best. While in the 1950's psychologists still believed that children shouldn't be coddled, nowadays scientists are certain of the detrimental effect that lack of warmth and closeness has not only in childhood but in adulthood as well. Conventional wisdom held that mothers who coddled their offspring created clingy, overdependent youngsters who grew up into incompetent adults. The proper way to rear children was to have an antiseptic, rational distance. In those days, for example, parents weren't allowed to stay in the hospital with their sick sons and daughters; they had to drop the children off at the door.
The troubling effects of this were documented by John Bowlby. It was he who revolutionized this area of psychology by introducing "Attachment theory", which was initially ridiculed and despised by his peers. This theory supports a child's need for safe, ongoing physical and emotional closeness. In the 1990s this theory was broadened to include adults: having a secure connection to our loved ones is empowering. It allows us to thrive.
And so we have an innate desire for community and connection. As the porcupines in Shopenhauer's fable, however, closeness comes with the risk of getting hurt. We prick each other with our figurative quills, and then we retreat to keep a safe distance. To create a sense of emotional safety, we tend to do one of two things: either we strive for closeness at our own detriment, not setting any boundaries and allowing ourselves to be treated badly for the sake of keeping the connection. We won't say no because we fear abandonment. Alternatively, we set up walls and fences, not letting anyone get close, in an effort to keep ourselves safe. Accepting help is out of the question and those softer emotions like intimacy, love, and care are kept at bay.
Neither strategy gets us what we truly want. It creates a false sense of security that eventually will lose its effectiveness. Shopenhauer saw this dance of separateness and closeness as an inevitable dichotomy. I don't agree with him. I strongly believe it is possible to synergize the two and build our connections on "effective dependency". It means being separate (independent) enough to truly bond and allow yourself to be dependent on someone else. This certainly doesn't mean you'll never get hurt. It simply means that you'll have a healthy way of relating to this hurt, so that your emotional safety comes from within first and foremost. You fully accept that risk, because you can choose with whom to connect and with whom not.
My belief in this synergy did not automatically mean I experienced it in my own life. In fact, it has been quite the contrary. I've struggled with maintaining my autonomy and feeling truly connected at the same time. For a long time I was stuck in either feeling completely true to myself, yet alone, or in deep connection with others yet losing myself in the meantime. My desire for connection was so great that I would forget (or, to be honest, flat out refuse) to set conditions to the relationship, whether it be a friendship, love relationship, or even in my work. If the other person wasn't carrying their weight in our relating, I would pick up the slack for them.
A great example of this happened with a friend of mine in high school who lived about 5 miles away from me. Those miles always seemed a lot farther for her than they did for me. So I ended up cycling her way 98% of the time, which was metaphorical of our connection. That kind of lob-sidedness in any kind of relationship won't hold forever. Unless, of course, you're willing to lose yourself in the meantime.
My love relationships weren't much different. In my wanting for others what they want for themselves, I would simply lose connection with what I wanted and needed for me. Then, when I would eventually awaken to that again, I found myself in a situation where the other person wouldn't reciprocate nor was willing to extend themselves. In fact, as I started to take care of myself first, they'd feel betrayed by my sudden "lack of care".
The pain that came from that has led me to explore and uncover the ingredients of how to love yourself and your relationships. How can we be an expression of our authentic essence and truly connect with those we care about? What needs to be present in a connection for it to be able to flourish and strengthen over time? I started reading books on boundaries, on connections and relationships, and all things concerning authenticity and autonomy. I've spoken to countless of people, got coaching, and coached others on this topic. Through all of it, I started to notice patterns. The same essential ingredients seemed to be presented in everything I read or heard, and experienced in my own life. And so my research, my work with my clients, and experimentation in my personal life has led me to a 7-step system that focuses on building a strong inner bond from which we can grow sustainable, loving connections.
Step 1: Pair up with love -- learn to love yourself unconditionally
The one thing that separates men and women who feel a deep sense of love and belonging from those who don't is worthiness. They believe that they are worthy of love and belonging. It's a worthiness that is independent of what other people think of you, independent of mistakes you've made in your life or the kind of childhood you've had. The thing about this kind of worthiness is that it is unconditional. It just is. Your actions - "good or bad" - don't have any effect on your self-esteem. Imagine having that kind of self-love. How much easier will it be to take risks, to extend yourself, to be authentic? How much kinder will you be on yourself? And how much more compassion does that allow you to feel for others?
Step 2 -- Exclusion/Inclusion -- know your boundaries
Having healthy boundaries firmly in place is critical for creating a strong inner bond and experiencing emotional safety. That's because boundaries let love in and keep out anything that destroys love. So this step is all about discovering your values and violations, feeling and acting on the yeses and no's in your life in a calm assertive way. It also addresses the difference between what you are responsible for (your own values and needs, violations and limits) and what you aren't (someone else's). This builds integrity and authenticity. A place where you no longer lose yourself in someone else's needs or demands.
This step is about self-empowerment and taking charge of your own happiness, since you'll only focus on the things that are in your control.
Step 3 - Part ways with toxic beliefs and troubling emotions
Most of us feel ashamed of our vulnerabilities, though they'll differ for each of us. Some might feel vulnerable in anger and frustration, others in joy, intimacy or sadness. And so we try to hide them: Shame loves secrecy. As these emotions are tabooed in our lives, we (try to) numb ourselves from what we despise feeling. And what we reject within ourselves, we also reject in others.
In addition, there's the fears that we fear so much we will do anything to avoid going there. Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of failure and not being perfect. The stronger the fear, the more it drives us - and we can be quite unaware that it is in fact the emotion that is in control! We might also be painfully aware of it, yet unable to do something about it.
Step 3 teaches you a healthy relationship with all range of emotions so that they can inform you. Emotions aren't good or bad, positive or negative. We make them so through the way we relate to them. In allowing ourselves to feel every emotion, we can witness and express them. That way you don't need to feel stuck or paralyzed in an emotions, or have the urge to fight it or numb ourselves from them. It allows you to quality control the beliefs that trigger your emotions, sit with reality as it is and take effective action accordingly.
This creates the emotional freedom for you to be with the emotions of yourself and others without the need to change them. It allows you to listen, to connect, and when needed even to challenge in a kindly firm way.
Step 4 - Practice letting go of outcomes/expectations
In our interactions with other human beings, the other person is free to walk with us or to go away. As we are creating a strong inner bond and become ever more authentic in our actions, it might mean that others aren't willing to walk alongside with us. That is their prerogative. Our fear of someone leaving, however, might stop us from being true to ourselves. We may end up selling ourselves out (or short) because we fear what the other person might do when we tell them our truth. Or we might become manipulative and controlling in our dealings with others. The ability to let go of the outcome and to be o.k. with whatever outcome is critical for establishing and maintaining a strong inner bond as well as an authentic connection with our loved ones. It allows us to take decisions earlier, and we no longer feel the need to manipulate the outcome or ignore the reality of what is. This gives way to a sense of inner peace and what I like to call "cosmic faith": whatever happens, it will be OK.
Step 5: Express your truth - risk honesty and vulnerability
As you let go of expectations and outcomes, it becomes a great deal easier to speak your truth. This step is about speaking honestly about who you are, what you are feeling, about your experiences (good or bad). In it, we risk feeling vulnerable. We risk being misunderstood, not heard, rejected, ridiculed. And yet, it is necessary for experiencing true intimacy, joy, love, and belonging. It takes courage to do so. Courage originally meant "to speak one's mind with all one's heart". It's our chance of showing others who we are.
Step 6: Responsiveness - being emotionally responsive
Boundary-setting and saying no is a critical component of compassion. It's much harder to hear and respond to someone else's needs when we are not compassionate towards ourselves first. Or when we don't say no and start to feel resentment towards the other person. We need to be fully authentic and real in order to have the emotional freedom to truly, deeply listen to the emotional needs of the other person.
Step 6 answers the question of how to be a "safe" person for others to connect with.
This step is also about recognizing emotional responsiveness in others. People who are "safe" to connect with will be empathetic to your needs and willing to dance with your needs as they care and speak up for their own.
Step 7 - Synergize - come from a place of abundance and resourcefulness
Part of a successful connection that is sustainable and grows stronger in the long run is when both parties have an outlook of abundance and resourcefulness. Believing that there's win/win allows you to get the best possible outcome for both. It stops you from dwelling on problems or things that happened in the past, and opens the door to solutions and possibilities.
Oscar Wilde wrote that to love one-self is the beginning of a life-long romance. We can hardly be intimately connected with others, if we have abandoned ourselves in the meantime. Loving yourself is the stepping stone to loving life, and to loving others. It allows us to have a love affair with life itself. Of course, we can choose to ignore the lack of connection and loneliness you feel in some or all of our relationships. Numbing yourself can be quite comfortable, and the usual "TLC" replacements (food, alcohol, work, shopping) are far simpler to reach out to and obtain. Still, how meaningful would that be in the end? Wouldn't you rather have that love affair? Wouldn't you like to be able to say that you've truly lived, and deeply loved? I know I would.

Are you interested in learning more about creating a strong inner bond with yourself and cultivating loving relationships? Then come join me at The Pepper Plant and sign up for the bi-monthly e-zine HeartBeats: [http://www.getpeppered.com/heartbeats].

Ancient Chinese Secrets For a Lasting Marriage Or Relationship

Are most long married couples unhappy with their relationship? This is the question that has being bugging me for a while. As a Feng Shui consultant, I come across many clients with less than happy marriages. Many times my clients will ask me for a 'secret' cure or recommendation that would miraculously improve their relationship with their spouse.
So, I asked a few of my married friends for their opinion. I chose this select group because they are older - over fifty years old - and have been married for many years. Their answer was quite shocking- to me. Based on their personal experience and those of their friends, they think that 90% of married couples are, in one way or another, unhappy with their relationships.
Granted that they do not live happily ever after, as in the fairy tales, this is still quite sad - if it is indeed true.
Is there a cure? Maybe there is.
In many olden societies, such as the Chinese, where arranged marriages are commonplace, it is a practice to check the horoscope (Ba Zi) of the intended couple for compatibility, before they are allowed to tie the knot.
Does this always work? It increases the chance but it does not work all the time. However through years of observation, they found out that if you combine it with some conditions, you can increase the chances of having a happy and lasting marriage.
While this wisdom is for everyone, it is even more critical for those with a history of unsuccessful marriages or relationships, to take note.
Here are some of the conditions.
In the old days, the husband must always be older than the wife. This is like a tradition. It cannot and should not be broken. However the ancients also observed that for those with unsuccessful marriages or relationships, breaking the tradition - i.e. having an older wife - can strangely be the answer. To the ancient Chinese, the wife is considered older even if she is a day older than the husband. However for better results, a wider age gap is preferred.
The other option for a more successful relationship is for the husband to be much older than the wife. To the ancient Chinese, much older means at least 8 years apart. In practice, 10 or 15 years older is perfectly acceptable or desired.
It would also increase the chances if there is a big disparity in the social and economic standard between the husband and the wife. For example the husband is a highly educated CEO of a large corporation while the wife is a much lesser educated person from a poor family. Can it be the other way around? It is unlikely in the old days because the husband is always the breadwinner. However in this modern times, where many women out-earn their husbands, why not?
This next condition only applies to the woman - at least in the old days. If she cannot be a successful first wife, it does not mean that she cannot be successful being the second or third one. So, being the other women can be an option that leads to success! I am not sure about being the other man though!
What if none of the above works?
The final option is to have a spouse that is of a different race or from a different culture. For example, an Indian and a Chinese or between two Chinese brought up in different places. For example, one brought up in China and in the other in the United States.
These are wisdoms that our forefathers have passed down to us. So, and especially, if you are relationship challenged, give it a try. There is nothing to lose!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1296843

Why Does A Family Need Love?

Some families are big. Some families are small. Some are extreme in their size, both big and small. What ties a family together depends on the family and what defines the family.
Is blood thicker than water?
Many families are tied together by "blood" meaning genetics. In some families this means if you are not related by blood, you are not family. Other families use this definition loosely, accepting members based on family acceptance. Most families fall in the middle accepting new members by marriage and adoption.
What creates a family?
Some families are created not out of genetics but a shared experience or shared interest. Genetics and blood relations has little to do with that type of family. There may be related people in the family or there may not. What matters in this type of family is that there is a connection of some sort. Often this connection is or becomes one of love.
How important is love?
The families that do not accept others typically avoid love. They may not love themselves but they certainly do not love others. The families that are based on acceptance are full of love. The way someone becomes part of the family is love. Even if the word itself is not uttered it is mutual acceptance based on love. This makes a beautiful, loving family.
Why is love so important?
Love is a multifaceted emotion. There are many benefits for members of a family based on love. Rather than guided by greed or selfishness the family based on love does things based on that emotion, even if the word is seldom said.
What makes family love good?
When family members love each other, they try to help each other, they respect each other. There may be times when family members fight, there may be members who do not get along. But when there is love in the family, there is respect and trust as well. This enables them to not get along yet still love each other within the family network. It also means that in a time of need the family will come together for greater good despite any underlying currents between members.
What if there is no love?
If you are in a family where love, you may feel alone even when with family. Respect is often replaced by control. Trust may be replaced by fear. In families like this, some members feel the need to escape, some repeat the cycle. Love is missing and love is something that can make the family better.
How can I create love?
It is hard to create love in others. The only person who can change is you. Be an example of love. Let people know this is what you accept and expect. When your love starts to thin, give yourself a break until love returns. Your break may be short or long, but distance yourself until your love returns. The more you show love and expect love the more you will find.

Do you know how powerful you are?
Making your inner rockstar shine is the goal of MJSchrader.
If life has left you doubting or wondering if you have a rockstar inside, then you should visit her website.
Make your inner rockstar shine and visit http://MJSchrader.com today.

Is Your Marriage Pressure Getting to You?

It's the same day in and day out, you have to do things you really don't want to do, and you have to put up with things that you rather not have. You don't have much room to maneuver. You feel like one of those grapes in a vineyard about to be squeezed. Yes you are plucked, transported, then have your juices pressed out, and being skinned in the process! And to add insult to injury, you are going to be fermented! Does that sound like you in a marriage?
You are starting to wonder. What purpose does it serve? Is that what life is about? Well, you are not alone, many people feel just like that. Questions like - "What am I doing here? Where am I going to go?".
To answer these questions let's go back to the grape, what's happening is that it is turning into fine wine. Having gone through different stages the grape has matured into fine wine. Just like a marriage, it goes through different stages and then finally matures into a grand relationship.
Imagine those people who are fortunate, grew up in a normal family, doesn't have to worry about finances, and are pretty well off. Had decent grades in school, then hold good jobs. What kind of marriages do these people have? My bet is just ordinary OK marriages. Why? They haven't been through trial. They have not gone through the ups and downs of life. They have no clue how good marriages can be.
But look at those who went through difficulties, have to surmount hurdles and went through painful periods in marriage, they usually end up with highly satisfying marriages. They have finally learnt the "know how". So it is obvious now that these blissful marriages are not a given, they are earned. Like a woman who has to go through childbirth, the end result is just awesome. As King David wrote: "Those who sow tears will reap harvest in glad song."
A marriage counsellor will tell you that the turning point of a marriage is when the couple hit rock bottom. As they say, there is nowhere to go but up. They had been through the worst, they learnt their lessons, and most of all they know how precious is their partners. Having said that, there are couples that stayed at the bottom and finally end up in divorce. It is necessary that you get up from the bottom to reclaim your relationship. If you don't bounce back you have no chance of salvaging your marriage.
Bouncing back is not automatic, some things need to happen. First and foremost you have to own what had happened to you. Taking responsibility is the first step towards mending your marriage. Responsibility means respond-ability, it means now your are able to respond, as oppose to being stuck in a rut. It also means you are taking back control. You are active instead of passive, you make things happen instead of things happening to you. Even if things seem to happen to you, you are able to respond.
You are no longer victim to circumstances, you are the master of your destiny. Being able to respond properly determines the future of your marriage. Make no mistake, your actions create the kind of marriage that you will have. Sour grapes will be turned into fine wine by your actions.
Having said all that, you are still probably clueless how this is going to happen, despair not, I can help you. I have thousands of successful reconciliations under my belt. My website shows all kinds of miracle stories. You don't need magic to make a relationship work, it is not a mystery, nor do you have to be "lucky". You can make it work, just follow the "recipe".

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6986888