The Most Common But Preventable Relationship Mistakes

Finding the perfect balance with a partner is nearly impossible. Small things and everyday problems will often get in the way of love.
Very often, however, we allow insignificant things to affect our relationships. Here is a list of the most common relationship mistakes that are easy to prevent.
Fighting over Money
Many couples start fighting about money as soon, as they move in together. In fact, financial issues are one of the most common reasons for breakups. Money can jeopardize even the most passionate and intense relationship.
Instead of fighting about it, set strict rules from day one. Determine whether you are going to have a common budget or whether each one of you will retain individual finances and independence. Figure out the manner in which bills will be paid. Talking about such practical issues in advance will give you a chance to have fun together without fighting over daily expenses and monetary issues.
Letting Friends and Relatives Interfere
Many couples commit the grave mistake of letting friends and relatives interfere in the relationship.
A relationship involves two people. They are the ones to make all the important decisions. Even if friends have the best of intentions, they could cause problems between partners because of the desire to interfere and "help."
Be polite and listen to the things that others have to say. When it comes to the relationship, however, your partner is the one that needs to help you decide about the important issues.
Being Affected by Insecurities and Past Failures
Your insecurities and past relationship failures can easily influence and ruin your current love story. As difficult as it appears to be, you will have to leave the baggage behind. Otherwise, you will make your partner suffer for the mistakes that somebody else made.
Jealously, fear and the inability to trust another person will all interfere with your relationship. If necessary, seek professional assistance. Instead of fighting with your partner, try to figure out what is making you react in an irrational way.
You were hurt and betrayed. Everybody has been through such experiences. It is not fair to make your partner responsible for the failed relationships of the past. A clean and fresh start is what you both need.
Stubbornly Defending One's Point of View
Are you a stubborn person and do you think that you are always right? The inability to make compromises and to listen to what your partner has to say could jeopardize the relationship.
Holding on stubbornly to your point of view will result in needless drama. It is important to let go sometimes, even if you feel that you are right. Good relationships are based on the desire to discuss issues and to make compromises. Be ready to let go, especially if the issue is a minor one.
Everybody commits relationship mistakes. This is a normal part of the learning process. Living with someone and finding the relationship harmony will demand time and compromises from both parties involved. Learn to fight for the important things and let go in other instances. Relationships will survive when both individuals involved are willing to work on doing things together and preventing the common relationship mistakes that kill the love, trust and passion.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/7668263

Marriage Problems - 10 Common Causes of Marital Conflicts, Stress, and Disharmony

There is no shortage of jokes about unhappy marriages; mostly because nothing is funnier than the truth and there is no shortage of unhappy marriages. And when you consider that more than half of the people who get married end-up divorced, you have to wonder what we're doing wrong. Why can't we just get along? Well, knowledge is power; and when you know something is causing a problem, you have a much better chance of learning to deal with it in such a way that it doesn't cause problems. Ignorance, in this case, is not bliss. You may simply think that stress is a natural part of life, and the way you deal with common problems is the best or only way to deal with them. In both cases, you'd be wrong; and until you start to look at the causes for marital conflict and asking yourself how you're currently dealing with them, and how you could better deal with them, you're relationship probably won't improve much. Here's a list of common sources of marital stress and conflict; consider how you are currently dealing with these issues, and how you could better deal with these issues:
1. Money - most couples argue over bills, debt, spending, and other financial issues.
2. Kids - discipline, diet, and other parenting issues can be sources of disagreement between couples.
3. Sex - frequency, quantity, quality, and infidelity are all common sources of stress and disharmony.
4. Schedules - time apart and a lack of quality time together serves to get people out of harmony.
5. Chores - many couples argue over equitable distribution of household work, and how to do it.
6. Friends - not all friends are helpful to relationships - some of them are poisonous.
7. Habits - many people are married to someone who has one or more habits they find undesirable.
8. Family - in-laws, siblings, children and step-children can all create stress within a marriage.
9. Expectations - judgments and unmet expectations are a major source of conflict in marriages.
10. Personality conflicts - if you don't like something about your partner, one of you must change.
You may recognize one or more of these areas as an area of stress in your life and relationship. Each of these is a very common source of marital discord; but they are also areas of opportunity - opportunities for learning, growth, and harmony or chaos, stress, and misery. The choice is yours; but don't simply assume that your marriage is broken, or your partner is broken, and you're dealing with these issues in the best possible way. Assume that you may be able to let-go of an opinion, judgment, expectation, or belief that could create harmony in any of these areas where you are experiencing friction, and your partner and marriage will be just fine when you get it figured out. Would you be willing to change the way you look at one or all of these issues, or is it easier and more convenient to simply change partners or relationships? Think about it; and then find a way to be okay with the things in your life and relationship.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/1700017

Causes Of Marriage

Why have so many persons decided to get married? Each person has his/ her personal reasons why he has decided to tie the knot as we say in the Caribbean. The first reason stems from a general, neutral feeling of doing the right thing if a young lady gets pregnant. Neither party wants the mom-to-be, to be a single parent and have the child out of wedlock; therefore, they become one and raise their child in a nuclear family. Secondly, the topic of citizenship also plays an important role in the decision-making process.
This is done in order for a partner to obtain working and living rights in a particular country. Many times, there is no relationship between either party. A guy may monetarily bribe or encourage a female to assist him in getting his 'papers' to prevent him from getting deported; after that, they go their separate ways.
Another factor that gives its own advice on this topic is 'the get rich quick' scheme. Here, males and females alike, cash in big in this greedy investment, when they choose an unsuspecting partner that they can depend on for life. Targeted singers, self-employed businessmen/business women, actresses, or models are among the few that persons marry for money or material gain. Although they may not be forced into the marriage, these wealthy persons are unaware of the ulterior motives of their partner.
Another very important cause of marriage is religious reasons; for some persons, this step is also compulsory. In some religions, even to date, is a serious breech in religion. Partners are chosen by parents, and, in most cases, a guy meets his wife-to-be on the day of the wedding. They marry very young, by the age of eighteen many of them are wed. As a result, there is no room for pre-marital sexual relationships.
Finally, and most importantly, (drum roll...) there is, true love. Because many couples still rely on genuine love, they defy all odds and decide to get married. They commit to each other through good times and hardships, and are willing to spend the rest of their lives as a unit. Children, riches, rights, or religion may or may not be a deciding factor, but love is enough for them. They will not risk losing each other, for fear of not finding another with the same qualities. Although some of the causes may be morally debatable or simply not enough stability to be included in the recipe for a good marriage, this still qualify for many persons.

[http://www.newrichreport.com]

Early Addiction Recovery - Essential Things You Need to Know For Your Marriage to Survive Recovery

The first year of addiction recovery is often cited as the most difficult period of time in recovery-not just because early recovery is so fragile and the probability of relapse is greatest-but because relationships change in early recovery. Many marriages that survived decades of alcohol/drug addiction, do not survive early recovery.
The alcoholic/addict is making major changes in the first year of recovery and family members still feel neglected and unimportant. As the alcoholic/addict struggles to maintain sobriety, regroup with work and career goals, and recapture a positive sense of self, the spouse or other family member is usually still smarting over past hurts. They observe the alcoholic focusing on their own recovery and issues and wonder when they will carve out some time and attention for the family.
Family members who have picked up the slack as the addict has abdicated more and more responsibilities within the family, may now be expecting the recovering addict to reclaim those responsibilities. Once the drinking/using has stopped, family members expect the addict to be the person that they always want him/her to be. Family members may not even know that they hold this expectation, and are often confused by their anger at the addict over not changing fast enough, working a good enough program, or not accepting enough responsibilities.
Family members may also have the hidden expectation that the addict in recovery will be able to say or do something that will erase all the pain caused by the addiction. They think that when the addict "makes amends in the proper way" by being sorry enough, or really understanding how the family member feels, that it will take away the pain.
Although family members harbor these hidden expectations, they fear talking to the recovering person about them. They fear that such a discussion could cause a relapse in the addict. The fear is often rooted in memories of past behaviors and discussions.
Sometimes when they try to talk about the issues, the addict gets defensive and wants to leave the past in the past, and not dwell on old hurts and angers. The addict often does not want to hear about the pain of the family members brought about by his/her addiction because it hurts to hear it. The addict usually carries around a great deal of shame and guilt about having the addiction, about things that they did in the addiction, especially misdeeds involving loved ones. They still have denial and defenses that have kept the extent of the pain caused by the addiction to not be fully revealed to them.
Alcoholics/addicts often have skill deficits that keep them from effectively communicating and problem solving, or even identifying and managing feelings. Couples in recovery are often handicapped in problem solving on important issues because they operate from this skill deficit position and from a history of failed attempts. These failed attempts create more emotional debris that gets in the way and makes it more difficult the next time that they try to solve that same problem. As a result, the recovering couple is often trying to resolve old relationship issues that they have been unsuccessful in resolving. They may also be struggling over changes in power in the relationship, which may further hamper resolution.
In the midst of all the changes occurring in early recovery, relationships and families seek to regain a certain equilibrium or balance. Recovering couples and families struggle to redefine relationships, to restore old roles, responsibilities and power in the relationship(s). Sometimes it is not quite so simple or easy for the family member who has taken on all the addict's roles and responsibilities to give them back. The addict trying to regain their roles and responsibilities can be experienced as a threat to the family member.
The recovering addict may still be acting irresponsibly, continuing to lie, or continuing to be completely self-absorbed and narcissistic. The recovering person may, according to the perception of the family member, that they care little about the needs or feelings of others. The recovering person may want to be rewarded for the extreme sacrifice of giving up the chemical. Family members struggle to understand this line of thinking, hopefully watching and waiting for the recovering person to step up to the plate and take care of business-without being asked, bribed or rewarded for doing so. So, often the family has different expectations for the addict in recovery than the addict does. Often when this happens, the addict still feels controlled. Family members still feel taken for granted, taken advantage of, and often manipulated.
The newly recovering addict may also be making new friends and relationships and this can be threatening as well. The addict may not be as dependent as they were in active addiction. As they return to their previous level of functioning (or even higher), they may be growing past the level of functioning of the family member.
Another factor that threatens the relationship in early recovery is the extreme emotional ups and downs that the addict experiences. In trying to figure out what is going on with all this emotion, and with figuring out how they ended up where they are, the addict often questions their feelings about the marriage-whether they love their spouse, or even whether they ever loved their spouse. Addicts in early recovery often think about, or actually act upon, leaving their spouse.
The non-addicted family member often experiences a similar reaction, with trying to figure out if there is anything left that they have in common, or if too much damage has been done to the relationship. Family members may even feel that now that the addict is clean and can take care of himself/herself, that they are free to leave them. Or family members may be overwhelmed with a fear of relapse and think that they will never stay clean and sober.
Other stressors on the newly recovering marriage could include the unrepaired damage of the disease including legal problems, financial problems, career and work problems, unresolved anger and resentment among the in-laws-all of these want repair or resolution at a time when couples are often least equipped to resolve them. So often, the recovering addict and the family member have the expectation that when the using stops, everything will just fall into place. In most circumstances, nothing could be further from the truth. Being armed with knowledge about the typical difficulties of the marriage in early recovery, empowers a couple to begin to problem solve and work through those difficulties. Marriages strengthened by recovery of the members can ultimately be among the healthiest, happiest, and most secure marriages. But first, they have to make it past early recovery.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2105043

3 Reasons Why Cheaters Risk It All For 30 Minutes Of Delight

It's very likely that you or someone you know will experience the heart wrenching pain of dealing with infidelity in the next 90 days. I'm not wishing this upon anyone but sadly it's the new reality that we live in. Some of the cheating will be emotionally charged affairs. There will be others faced with an internet long distance affair. Many will have to struggle with figuring out why the person who claims to still love them broke their promise and physically engaged with someone else.
Obviously there are many types of relationship cheating and some hurt more than others. However, regardless of the type of cheating there are always unanswered questions. One of the most asked question is "why"? Why would someone cheat and risk their family, reputation, employment and financial security for an affair or in some cases a few minutes of delight? Listed below are a few reasons why cheaters risk it all.
3 Reasons Why Cheaters Risk It All For 30 Minutes Of Delight
One reason why cheaters throw caution to the wind and cheat is because they really don't care if they get caught. Sure they try to hide their selfish behavior but think about it for a minute. Do you really think a cheater cares about being caught? I don't think so. It's not like a 5 year old sneaking an extra cookie out of the cookie jar. We are talking about an adult who is able to understand right from wrong. I guarantee you that every cheater ask him or herself the following questions.

1. Will my partner find out about the affair?
2. What will me spouse do if he or she finds out?
3. How will my family and friends re-act to the affair?
4. Could my boss or co-workers have less respect for me if they find out that I cheated?
5. Will my kids no longer love me if I cheat on their mom or dad?

Unless the cheater is intoxicated or smoking cannabis then it's impossible not to think about such questions. Yet, despite thinking about such things a cheater moves forward and has an affair. The real question is why does a cheater not care about getting caught?
Another reason why a cheater will lose perspective and cheat is because a cheater sometimes has an entitlement mentality. It's all about them getting what they feel they deserve. Cheaters with this mindset sometimes convince themselves of 2 things. One is that everyone will be fine or happy after the affair. The other thing is that a cheating will make them a better mate. Both reasons are simply wishful thinking.
The third and final reason why a cheater is willing to risk it all is because they never intended to be in a monogamous relationship. The appearance of being with a significant other is appealing and provides cover for an alter ego personality. This draws less scrutiny and attention from family and friends. Unfortunately it goes back to being unselfish. It's like using someone for personal gain. It's wrong in business, in relationships and life in general.
There are many more reasons why cheaters cheat. All of them are inexcusable and devastating to partners and families. Cheating is no different than, being addicted to a drug. It has the potential to ruin lives.
So is there anything that you can do to stop the cheating?
One thing you can do is make it difficult for your partner to cheat. You might not be able to stop it but you don't have to make it easy for infidelity to make an appearance in your relationship.
If you have not had to deal with infidelity in your relationship consider yourself blessed. If you have dealt with infidelity you know how difficult it is to live through it. You just can't prepare for such pain and suffering. However, I hope as time passes you will be able to help others get through their dark days and nights.

The key to coping with a cheating spouse is to make sure you are under control and making the best decisions for you and your family. You can restore love, trust and commitment but you have to work at it and avoid certain mistakes that can set you back. If you are struggling to get through this please visit here, Dealing With Infidelity

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9551479

Will Your Marriage Never Be As Intimate Again After The Affair?

Even those folks who are passionate about staying married after an affair would have to admit, if they are honest, that there are doubts and worries. Even if you are very clear that divorce is not an option and you are determined to do whatever is necessary for the sake of your marriage, you can't help but wonder what "marriage" is going to mean in the future.
After all, isn't your marriage irrevocably changed once infidelity damages it? Do you always have to just accept your struggling, sub-par marriage? Are you destined to live with anger and resentment? Is your intimacy forever gone?
Someone might address it this way: "I feel a loss of many things after my husband's affair. But I refuse to let this destroy my marriage and my family and, thankfully, my husband agrees. We have found a decent counselor, although my husband hates going and is always trying to taper down on the visits or quit. I know that we are going to make it simply because we both refuse to let go. But what about the intimacy? The one thing that I have always adored about my marriage is that my husband and I were so close emotionally. We have known one another since we were children and I'm very close to his entire family. He knows me better than anyone else. He knows what I am thinking before I do. We could often communicate without any words passing between us and that was such a comfort. I always knew that he had my back. Well now, even though I know that we will stay together, the relationship has changed. We only discuss small talk. We no longer have whispered conversations at night or laugh. We talk only when we have to. We are polite to one another. We are both trying. But I have this awful sense that we are never going to get the intimacy back and that breaks my heart more than the affair ever did. Is it ever really the same? People say that it can be, but I really don't believe it."
Surviving / Thriving Marriages Post-Affair Don't Get A Lot Of Attention Or Air Play: I didn't believe it either. And I understand why you don't buy it. Honestly, I think that part of the reason that I felt that my marriage was sunk after my husband's affair is because I'd never really actually witnessed a marriage thrive afterward. And admittedly, you don't often see this in the media and even friends and family don't talk about it. Plus, couples whose marriages thrive after infidelity don't necessarily advertise that fact. In fact, most people probably wouldn't know that they had dealt with infidelity at all. Because, why advertise it? Whose business is it?
You're more likely to hear about the marriages that don't work because let's face it, misery loves company and heartache sells tabloids and reality TV.
A Changing Marriage Isn't Always An Inferior Marriage: I am biased. But I do believe that in some cases you can get the intimacy back, although it's naive to think that your marriage isn't going to change. It does change. But you know what? So many things change your marriage. Hardships can't help but affect it, but they often also make it stronger. And you can't always control what hardships affect your marriage. One of the worst strains to my marriage was one of my childrens' illness. You would not think that this would have damaged us so much - but it did. We were both so frightened, so tired, and so worried. And because we were totally focused on our child, we lost focus on our marriage. It was awful. But it made us stronger. So when the affair came, I knew that we had the capability to weather the storm if I chose that route.
There are many such events that are going to shake your marriage over your life. But when you hold hands, take a deep breath, refuse to give up, cling together, and come out on the other side, your bond is stronger. Certainly, sometimes you look back on the event and you wish that it never happened. But you know that you can't change it, that you are glad to have it in the past, and you realize that you would not have wanted to go through it with anyone but your spouse.
What Has To Happen To Restore Intimacy: Admittedly, in order for the intimacy to return, you will have to get past the anger. You will have to work through the issues. You will have to eventually allow yourself to be trusting and vulnerable again. Because I learned the hard way that you can not have intimacy without trust and vulnerability. And that is the rub. It's a leap of faith. And it's scary. And it takes a while until you are ready or willing to make that leap.
That's OK. Sometimes, all you can do is committed to sticking it out in the beginning. That's enough for now. Don't rush it. Don't think that you aren't making progress. Take it one day at a time and know that at some point, you may look around and realize that you are making it, that you are rebuilding, and that you are starting to get some intimate feelings back. It doesn't happen quickly. And it doesn't happen all at once. But it does happen. And it becomes like any other stressor in your marriage - you get through it, you never want to repeat it, but you are OK in spite of it.

I'm not going to tell you that I'm fine with the fact that my husband had an affair.  I'm not.  I'd give anything if it had never happened.  Just like I'd give anything if my child had never gotten sick.  But I can't change these things.  And weathering those storms made my marriage stronger.  There's more about how we made it through  on my blog at  http://surviving-the-affair.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9516817

15 Ways To Eliminate A Conflict With Your Partner

It's just another day, I hate it, just another day! I get up, do my every morning thing, carry in my right hand, my coffee cup and drag myself to the car and drive to my work.
I don't tolerate my wife to say too much because she is a "zero" and nothing else than trash can food. The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!
She is a failure anyway, so why should I listen! Live moves on day after day, after month, after year and nothing is changing. A couple of years and hopefully I'm dead, great, nobody will miss me! Whining, Whining, Whining...
No kidding, that sound like not a good relationship if you ask me, why the approach to the opposite party? A relationship is not to criticize instead help each other, lift each other, make each other feel darn good and important, as well be mindful with our thoughts.
Being on the same page with our partner is the number one requirement in order to live that united life together. We could say: "thinking and caring about each other at all time is a serious responsibility."
Being negative towards the opposite party can create as much as being positive and will affect both our life experience. Attract the beliefs and desires from each other will create harmony in any relationship.
So, is this just another moody day and who is the moody person here, both parties might ask themselves that question. Does life exist of working, criticizing, offending, down playing, I'm much better than you, yelping? NO! With capital letters.
Our success and failures are not caused by "the world out there" but by the love, care we carry inside our heart. This is not a brain surgery neither high technology and we don't need to spend years of psychoanalysis to find the way to respect.
A negative mindset drains your energy and create a self-perpetuating cycle of disappointments, worry, fear to fail and fear to make a mistake. The other site of the coin is that positive thinking creates hope and self believe. With a little bit of mental pushing power we should be able to control our mindset.
Let's sit down here for a short moment and ask our self about the person who is working and working and does not believe in quality of life, so that person spend a big time of the day in a stress full environment, get ruled by the clock, the upper level authorities, appointments, customers, fighting for its own little space in the company, and much more.
Coming home late in the evening, rest for some hours and take off the next morning again is sure not enough to unwind all the stress. So let's assume that both parties are moody the moment they are in each others neighborhood.
Here are the 15 ways to eliminate the moody moments:
You remember what I said in the beginning of this story; "The moment she tries to communicate with me, I simply cut her off and finally she get the message not to bother me with all that crap and nonsense!" Here is the answer to the problem of not being able to listen to a family member, instead simply cut off the person and depreciate that party.
Let's wrap this up and nail some solid points down that might clear the air for both individuals:
1. Don't try to do many things at once!
2. Prioritize, let them know, and do the essential things first!
3. Don't take on everything yourself!
4. Learn to say politely "No"
5. Meetings should be to the point and not dragging on!
6. Going home, close the door of your job. Coming home, take your rest for some minutes, sit down, relax, rewind, think about the daily blessings and have a little talk with your partner!
7. Be an open book for your partner and don't live a secret life created by" the life of fear to fail"
8. Don't let the job take over your life!
9. Take your days off, take a chair and sit down somewhere you can relax and dream away without any noise around you and being bothered!
10. Force yourself to exercise on a daily base and definitely on the days off!
11. Create a hobby that grabs your attention!
12. Create a mile post of accomplishment with that hobby!
13. Learn to count your blessings in life and do NOT take everything for granted!
14. Do not answer the cell phone on your days off!
15. Fight for your own space in life and do not allow others to influence you and make a different "You" out of "You"
Here you have it, I didn't leave any ingredient out!
Good Luck and Cheers!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/9534700

Facebook Use Guidelines for a Happy Marriage or Relationship

Single people struggle with the negative effects Facebook can have on them and how to adjust their use for more positivity, and couples do too according to one statistic that says Facebook has become a leading cause of divorce. If you haven't had it come between you on occasion, consider yourself lucky. Yes, while it's true that Facebook may only amplify a couple's pre-existing problems (like infidelity), it's still considerate to read and apply the following guidelines out of respect for your relationship. My favorite relationship analogy comes from the book Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert. In her book she describes your relationship like a house that needs to be protected by keeping doors and windows secure. Our actions can open windows and doors to unwanted riff raff, so we need to consciously decide what we are letting in and out. The following guidelines can get you started.
1. Wear your Facebook wedding band
I'm talking about your relationship status here. Changing your relationship status to 'In a relationship' or more specifically "In a relationship with _________" (tag your love) is an effective way to tell your friends and any of your profile visitors that you are happily taken. Acknowledging your anniversary is also a nice gesture.
2. Filter your friend requests
The rule of thumb is to only add people you know in real life. This excludes a lot of riff raff for single and committed people alike. But in a relationship it's wise to take this one step further by only keeping company that respects your relationship too.
3. Keep your private messages appropriate
Perhaps thinking about whether you would want your partner talking to a certain person or about certain topics can help you determine what's appropriate. You may even think about what it would be like to share the conversation with them. If messages to you contain inappropriate content, you can ignore it and redirect the conversation and employ a "3 strikes you're out" before fading them out of your Facebook use and life. Or stop it dead in its tracks.
4. Make your profile private
Drama can ensue not only from the friends you keep, but just those who search for you and look at your public content. Making your profile as private as possible (for friends only) maintains your security and right to privacy and sends the message that you are consciously deciding what to let in and out of your life or at least, Facebook.
5. Never air your dirty laundry
I shouldn't have to include this guideline because it seems like common sense, but you see these repeat offenders all the time. The quote "too many passengers sink relationSHIPS" comes to mind. Your dirty laundry doesn't belong on the internet. Nothing good comes from including Facebook in your private affairs with another person. It's very distasteful and makes you look just as bad, if not worse than your partner or ex.
6. Limit your use
If you find yourself wanting to air your dirty laundry, it's probably because you need to talk to your other half, not Facebook. And if you're finding yourself in some kind of Facebook moral dilemma, it's probably because you're not spending enough time with them. The grass is greener where you water it and Facebook has a lot of fake grass if you know what I mean.
7. Foster trust
No doubt trust issues run rampant these days, but if your partner has them, you have committed to working them out together. If your partner has a concern, you should consider their feelings even if they don't seem reasonable. No, I don't think sharing a Facebook account or disclosing your passwords for your partner to pour through your messages when they feel insecure is fostering trust. I'm just saying elevate your relationship. Hear your partner out and give them every reason to trust you so you can move forward and not remain stagnant. If you're not guilty or embarrassed of any of your Facebook or phone activity, you'll be able to put them at ease by looking at them together if they question something. This is bound to come up in even the most secure long term relationships. It's kind of like knowing someone loves you, but still wanting to hear it.

7 Ways We End Up in Toxic Relationships

Blind love is likely at the root of all toxic relationships, and it is not the way to choose a partner or spouse. With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. Here are practical tools for keeping your eyes wide open, and avoid becoming a "statistic". Internalizing these things will help us all avoid getting caught up in a toxic relationship with a narcopath.
7 Insights To Internalize:
1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to change after they're married... for the worse!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust." Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
3. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.
Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
4. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
5. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making suggestions." A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.
6. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.
7. You pick the wrong person because he/she is still emotionally attached to an ex and now you're involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn't fully separated him/herself emotionally from a former partner is the classic example of triangulation. Does he/or she talk constantly about the horrible things his/her spouse has done? Does he/she constantly tell you how much their partner wants them back? Is the ex a re-occurring topic of conversation? Are you often asked to judge the behavior of someone you've never met? If you answer yes to any of these questions, then person cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a marriage.