To my female readers, imagine this; It's a Tuesday evening. About
7pm. And you are sitting on the couch being cradled in the arms of the
one you love. Your favorite music is softly playing in the background as
the man of your dreams is gently caressing your cheek and staring
lovingly into your eyes. This is not lust that you are seeing. It's
admiration. Appreciation. And though no words are being spoken, you
clearly understand from his smile, from his caresses to his kisses, that
all he wants is to love you and to feel you loving him back. You sit up
to face each other and before you can speak the words, he says them, "I
love you." Three simple words filled with power and promise. Power to
build and create, or the power to destroy. Past heart breaks have taught
you to be cautious. Young men these days speak those words so easily
with no regard or comprehension as to what those words truly mean. But
this man, the one holding you now, makes you feel loved and protected
and cherished. He has demonstrated on numerous occasions that loving you
means putting you and your needs first. For him, love is not a word. It
is an action. And he has given and sacrificed enough to prove to you
beyond a shadow of any doubt, that when he speaks these words, that he
truly means them with his whole heart. And it is for those reasons that
you not only believe in his words, but you have the courage and
enthusiasm to return the love that he is so freely giving to you.
To
my male readers; Imagine if you will, the same scenario. But with the
woman of your dreams. Warm, supportive, patient and loving. Eager to
please but wise enough to know when to move and when to wait. That
shoulder you can lean on when you're stressed. That ear to listen to you
vent. That voice to soothe, advise, encourage and guide. The perfect
friend. The perfect lover. The perfect life mate. She took the time to
get to know what truly makes you tick. And is always quick to show you
that she knows exactly what her man wants or needs without you ever
having to tell her. And the closeness that you feel with her isn't
because of anything sexual, as a matter of fact, it's the closes thing
you 've ever felt to anything spiritual. Why? Because for the first time
in your life, you finally found someone who cared enough about your
thoughts and feelings to actually listen to you. Listen to your heart
crying. To your anger spilling out. To your frustration boiling over. To
your tears overflowing. To your guilt pushing you over the edge. To
your fear keeping you isolated. To your dreams ready to explode into
life. To your need to be something or someone more than who you are. She
listens to it all. And she doesn't judge. She listens and she doesn't
punish. She listens and she does not tell. She takes your pain into
herself and shares in it with you, so that she can understand it like
you do. And then she comforts you. She cry's with you. She rocks with
you. She encourages you and inspires you. And she will let you rage and
rage and rage just to get it out of your system, just to tell you at the
end of all of your raging, that everything is going to be alright. That
whatever comes, you will go through it together. That she loves you.
And that she is proud of you. And you don't really understand how or
why, but her simple words of encouragement brings you peace. And makes
you feel strong. They help push away the fear and help to give you
perspective. You begin to realize that you are not alone. That she is
going to love your no matter what. That she's not walking away because
as far as she is concerned, she is apart of you. And that together, you
are twice as strong. And suddenly, you find yourself loving her twice as
much.
Believe it or not, neither of these are fairy tale
scenarios. They are the revelations of real couples who have done the
work and stayed together through some tough storms to make their loving
relationships a reality. Unfortunately, this does not apply to everyone.
Because not everyone was truly meant to be together. One would think
that at the rate we as a civilization are evolving and growing, that
with each generation we would weed out the bad habits or traits
possessed by the generation before us. Sadly, that is not the case. In
fact, the issue that has inspired this editorial is a human trait that
seems to be regressing right before our very eyes. I am talking about
DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS. Somehow, though we have made tremendous
advancements in our evolution in science and technology, we seem to be
regressing mentally and emotionally as human beings in our dealings with
one another as mates. And it has regressed to the point of a
significant portion of our society prescribing to the belief that
DYSFUNCTION is a NORMAL part of EVERY RELATIONSHIP.
- AND NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. -
But
there is a reason why so many of you have embraced this lie as though
it is the truth. There is a reason why so many have participated in
failed relationships that left them feeling angry and bitter. So bitter,
you're not even able to maintain a civil friendship with your ex. It is
because you entered into your past relationships without fully knowing
or understanding the RULES OF ENGAGEMENT. Every successful relationship
begins with the proper implementation of the RULES OF ENGAGEMENT. It is
the understanding of these rules, and by the strict adherence of these
rules, that most productive, loving, prosperous relationships are
spawned. Before I reveal to you these all important rules, lets first
establish what qualifies a relationship. This is not to insult your
intelligence, but to drive home a point before laying out the rules and
explaining how and why they work, versus why what YOU have been doing,
has continuously failed.
A functioning, loving, prosperous,
non-dysfunctional relationship is what occurs when two separate people,
with their own separate identities and lifestyles, choose to walk their
journey in life together. That being said, there are a few things that
can help ensure that the direction your relationship is moving in, is a
positive one. These items are what we term as the RULES OF ENGAGEMENT.
These rules fall into two categories. Category one is "THE INDIVIDUAL."
And category two is "THE COUPLE." This is the part where a lot of people
are going to get their toes stepped on. A lot of people will not agree
with these rules,... those people however, are the same people who have
already been in 4 or more unsuccessful relationships that have ended in
anger and bitterness. They will go out and try again, and they will fail
again, and they will repeat the process again. Using as their
justification and affirmation, the lie, that everybody goes through
this. That all couples fight. That the drama they experience in their
relationships is normal. And is to be expected. - Again:
- NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. -
We
as a people, have been taught to find the short cuts. To do things
better, faster, quicker, to be more efficient. And as a consequence, we
have developed a taste for "INSTANT GRATIFICATION." Unfortunately, this
is one of those things in life, that cannot be rushed. "BECAUSE THERE
ARE NO SHORT CUTS IN LOVE." Here are the RULES OF ENGAGEMENT:
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT: ("THE INDIVIDUAL")
1).
Before any man or woman can be ready for a relationship with another
person, they must first be secure and situated with themselves. Have
their own identity. That means already having a job. Or having some way
to secure your own money. Having your own place as well as your own car.
Before you can be ready to contribute to a loving relationship, you
have to first know how to be self.-sufficient and responsible for YOU!
Because honestly, if you can't even take care of yourself, how are you
to be expected to take care of the one you claim to love? Now this step
alone would kill about 65% of most relationships today. There are just
that many people who are actively participating in relationships that
are UNEVENLY YOKED. Where only one person is footing the bills or doing
all of the work. One is usually the giver and the other is usually the
taker. For any relationship to have real hope of longevity and
prosperity, both participants need to be able to contribute ON ALL
LEVELS. That would be physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and
yes, FINANCIALLY. And no, I am not suggesting that it is all about the
money. But a relationship is just like a career. Keeping in mind that
the definition of a career is; "getting paid for what you love to do
most." Just like any career, before you can excel to the top and get
paid what you are worth, you need to be prepared and qualified to do the
job. That means going to school for your training or degree or
certifications. Once you have all of the tools you need, the sky is the
limit. The same applies to LOVE. If you want to be able to be the best
that you can be in the relationship, and want to be able to expect to
receive the best out of that relationship, you need to ensure that you
have everything that is required of you on your end. Love is a bounty
and an investment that pays out huge returns for what you put into
it,... but you have to actually have SOMETHING to put in. Something to
invest. Something to contribute. Something more than just talk and game.
Because a 100% return on any investment that you contribute NOTHING to,
will still equate to nothing! Come on, do the math with me; 100 X 0 =
0. Change it around if you want, it still comes out the same. 0 X 100 =
0.
Translation:
THERE JUST IS NO WAY AROUND THIS. YOU HAVE TO HAVE YOUR OWN STUFF TOGETHER FIRST.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT ("THE COUPLE")
2). This is absolutely crucial. This is where the definition of a "COUPLE" is qualified and defined.
A
couple is two separate "INDIVIDUALS" (please see definition above), who
have already established their own individual lives and identities, but
now choose to walk their life's path, "TOGETHER." The trick here is
that even though they now walk together, there needs to be a healthy
RESPECT for the OTHER PERSONS INDIVIDUALITY. The person that you are
with, just like you, already has their own dreams and goals, their own
wants, needs and desires. And just like you, they want their chosen mate
to be a source of encouragement and support. The goal is that your mate
will ADD to your ability to grow and prosper. NOT TAKE AWAY FROM IT.
And together, you will develop a separate set of goals and dreams
together as a single unit. - THAT DOES NOT MEAN THAT THE GOALS OR DREAMS
OR AMBITIONS THAT THEY HAVE AS AN INDIVIDUAL GO AWAY! - Those things
still exist. Those things are still important. And if they are important
to them, THEN THEY NEED TO BE IMPORTANT TO YOU. This is where and why
COUPLES fail.When you give up your own individual dreams or identity to
accommodate the other person, there is a void left in its place that
cannot be filled because there is no such thing as a replacement for
your dreams or for your identity. These things are a literal part of
what makes you who and what you are. They are the things that drive and
inspire you. Take them away,... and you are not YOU anymore.
The
final rule is an old one. And in my opinion the one that matters most.
If people were just honest with themselves about their ability to follow
it, there would never be a problem. It simply states: "WHATEVER YOU DID
TO GET ME, IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO KEEP ME." This should
actually be the easiest thing in the world to do. Because hopefully,
when you meet your life mate, the mutual attraction that you are both
experiencing is a NATURAL one. Meaning you are attracted because you
both actually share so many things IN COMMON WITH EACH OTHER that it
justifies the attraction. Not your lust for each others flesh, but your
shared interest in life. On issues. Politics. Views on family.
Involvement in the community. The same religious views. The same tastes
in music. These shared views matter. There is nothing wrong with being
different or uniquely YOU. But in terms of a relationship, if you are
talking about spending THE REST OF YOUR NATURAL LIFE WITH SOMEONE, I can
assure you that you are going to want to spend it with someone who has
the capacity to see things from your point of view. You will still have
differences in opinion. But at least your mental thinking will mostly be
moving along the same lines. COMPATIBILITY MATTERS. And yes, opposites
do attract and fun can still be had by all, but statistically, those
relationships mostly fail MISERABLY AND PAINFULLY. This decision, to
mate, to marry, or to claim your soul-mate, should be as important as
you choosing a college. A career. And those choices are usually made
based on some very specific things. Love is no different. And the impact
is just as life changing. Do not relinquish your ability to have some
say-so in who you choose to be with. Do not leave it to fate. Stand up
and take an active part in who you choose, or risk being another failed
statistic. It's about choices. And some are harder than others. But they
still need to be made.
There is only one thing left to remember.
You need to be honest enough with yourself to be able to see and
acknowledge the difference between LOVE AND PASSION. This will make you
or break you. PASSION is such a huge part of what makes up LOVE, that it
can easily be confused for being true love itself. PASSION is
overwhelming and addictive. And when it's good, it's good.
Unfortunately, it is not enough to sustain or to keep a relationship
alive. Especially if it is the only thing you two have in common. The
other aspects that you need as an INDIVIDUAL will come into play sooner
or later. And when they do, and what you need as an INDIVIDUAL does not
line up, or your needs are not being met, or interests collide, opinions
collide, desires collide, all you have left in the wake of all of that
opposition, is the passion. And that's when you realize, that the sex
between you, as good as it is, it will not pay the bills. It will not
supply you with emotional support. It will not encourage you when you
need to go left and your mate is fighting you to go right. It will not
back up your decisions. And it will not inspire you to push in the
opposite direction,... "THE DIRECTION IN WHICH YOU DREAMS ACTUALLY LIE."
No, PASSION, (as delicious as it is), is not enough. So, it falls to
you now. As a responsible adult, to do the things that YOU ALREADY KNOW
ARE IN YOUR BEST INTEREST. I can assure you, that while you are on your
journey through life, if you are being true to yourself and your own
dreams and ambitions, that along the way, you will find someone, whom
you are incredibly attracted to, who is striving in the exact same
direction as you, doing the exact same things that you are doing, for
the exact same reasons. Those are the relationships that last 50 years
or more. Nothing personal, but the reason your current relationship is
not or did not work, (and yes, I am making a general assumption that
does not apply to everyone, I realize that. But the point will be made),
is because you probably met him or her, at a random place, like a night
club, or the mall, or some public venue, and were only physically
attracted to them. Maybe you thought they were funny and cute and that
combination made them seem exciting to you. People ask all of the time,
"WHERE CAN I GO TO MEET SOMEONE WHO IS INTO THE SAME THINGS THAT I AM
INTO?" I am blown away every time I hear it. Because the answer is
simple; YOU WILL MEET THEM IN THE PLACES WHERE YOU DO THE THINGS THAT
MATTER MOST TO YOU. And if you see them there regularly, it will give
you the opportunity to see how passionate they are about the thing that
matters so much to you. It will afford you the opportunity to strike up
intelligent conversation. Share laughter and discover what else you may
or may not have in common. That is the missing element in our
relationship hunting now. NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE THE TIME NECESSARY TO
REALLY GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER. Everyone just wants the sex and then fast
forward to HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Sorry family. It honestly does not
matter how much we grow or evolve in science or technology, this part of
love and relationships, will simply never change. So date. Meet and
greet. Mix and mingle. But be selective. And do not be so quick to move
people into your homes. Or bring them around your kids. Get to know them
first. So, before you go and lay with each other; Try sitting together
without driving each other crazy. Then try walking together hand in
hand. Then try running in the same circles. If you can do that, then
TOGETHER, maybe you can actually fly. - Adrian Milan
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