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The Christian Philosophy Of Marriage
The Christian view of marriage is unique. It provides purpose and meaning to a relationship that is treated with almost contempt in mainstream society. Yes, Christians believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. But that is only a start, and a basic one at that.
Ephesians 5:21-33 deals with marriage. But the entire passage is paralleled with a the relationship between Christ and the Church.
Ephesians 5:31-32 For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
From these verses we begin to see that the marriage is much more than we would suspect.
It is important for any married couple, or for that matter anyone who wishes to get married, to have a deep understanding of God's purpose for marriage. Without an understanding of God's intent it would be hard for any married couple to fully grasp the nature or the depth of commitment God is looking for in a marriage.
I cannot overstate the important of this. As we progress through life and in marriage, problems and issues will crop up. For the Christian a fundamental acceptance and understanding of God's intent and purpose for marriage is essential in dealing with these issues.
There is a premise, a starting idea if you like, that a Christian marriage revolves around. If someone has the premise wrong, they will miss the why and often the how of the nature of their marriage. Marriage is meant to be so much more than the physical union of two people. It is a highly spiritual and holy relationship.
Here is the premise:
A marriage is divinely chosen by God to represent, in human terms, our relationship with God in Salvation.
Due to our fallen nature, as well as our human nature, it is impossible to understand the depth of love or commitment that God has for each of us. We read about it in Scripture, we hear about it from behind the pulpit, and we experience it one-sided. Since God will never leave us, nor forsake us, nor let us down, nor cease loving us, we cannot understand God from His perspective...or His side.
This, then, is the purpose or intent of marriage. It is a way for God to allow us to experience things from God's side of the equation. Since our mates are not perfect, they will hurt us, betray our feelings, scare us, and worry us. In such times you will come to understand God more than is otherwise humanly possible.
It is impossible to love everyone to the degree that we are supposed to love our spouse. God is capable, but we are not. We just don't have that capacity. However, to understand the depth of love, mercy, and grace that God demonstrates to us, we need to choose someone to try and love like that. That person was meant to be your spouse.
God wanted you to choose one person, just one, to love so unconditionally, so absolutely, that as you experience the joys and pain of that relationship you may begin to understand God's love for you better. Only then may we understand God's joy when there is reconciliation, His disappointment when we sin, His jealousy over our time and love, His rejoicing when there is a "marriage" of a sinner that says, "yes!" to his proposal.
This is the main reason God is so against divorce. God will not leave nor forsake us, no matter what we do, and the only way to understand that is to choose someone that you are willing to do the same for. Divorce, therefore, is a rejection also of God's commitment to us. To choose divorce is saying that you do not understand God's depth of commitment to you. It is a denial of God's promises, and His love.
In effect, marriage is a picture of salvation that cannot be experienced any other way on this earth. Only through our marriages can we gain a true measure of God's love for us. Divorce, on the other hand, makes a mockery of this picture.
Therefore, even during the worst of times, God meant for you to remain married. As God keeps His vows and promises, so He expects the same level of commitment out of you.
But in having such an understanding, you will gain insights into God that will propel your spirituality and relationship with God beyond your wildest imaginations! And obtain a relationship through marriage that is unparalleled in joy, purpose, and fulfillment.
Oneness in Marriage
If "oneness" is one of the primary goals of marriage ("the two shall become one flesh..."), let's explore some of the things that thwart or hinder "oneness" in marriage.
There are many reasons why a couple might fail to achieve oneness:
* All of the sins which are rooted in the unholy trinity,
namely, "me, myself, and I." All of the hypenated "self"
sins, like: selfish, self-centered, self-interest, self-
concern, self-focused, etc.
* Various "flesh patterns" and "coping strategies" which we
develop over our lifetimes which are aimed at "making
life work the way we think it should work or the way we
think we deserve it to work"... another way to say it is,
"making life work apart from God and His ways."
* Failing to deal properly with unmet expectations and
differences.
The "self" sins are fairly easy to understand. Anytime I am more focused on myself and what I want as opposed to what God wants or what is best for the marital relationship, I will hinder the ability to connect with my spouse.
Flesh patterns and coping strategies are developed over a lifetime. They grow out of our fears, insecurities and wounds. An example might be that a man is "passive" in his marriage. If, as a young man, he was criticized by his parents or if he believed that he does not know exactly what to do in a given situation, then instead of moving into the "chaos" of life, he will choose to be passive or withdraw. The truth is he may choose this path of passivity simply because he does not want to risk rejection and criticism from his wife. He may have an idea of what to do but he just isn't willing to take a risk by acting on his thoughts, ideas, or potential solutions.
Another example of a "flesh pattern" is a woman is when a woman becomes controlling. Often the root of control in women is FEAR which they are not conscious of. She is afraid of life in general and all the things that can go wrong in life. So, she has convinced herself that if she is in control she can minimize the amount of hurt that touches her life.
Both of these patterns are not what God desires of a man or woman in marriage (or even in life in general.) However, the great thing about God is that He will allow people to use these faulty, flesh patterns. God ultimately wants these patterns to be exposed for what they are. God wants every person to be able to recognize the ways they attempt to make life work and exchange the sick and faulty ones for His way of doing things.
EXPECTATIONS:
An expectation is a desire or mental picture that is not always communicated and which, when goes unfulfilled, produces significant emotional distress. We all enter marriage with certain expectations. Sometimes we express these expectations and sometimes we are not aware that they exist.
A woman may enter marriage with the expectation that the new husband will continue to give her the same amount of attention and care that he gave her during their courtship. A man may have an expectation that the house will be spotless and that a hot meal will be on the table every evening.
Almost every couple has experienced a "season" when their flesh patterns, coping strategies, differences and diverse backgrounds and expectations collide. When this happens, it would be good for the new couple to see it as AN OPPORTUNITY for them to draw near to God and allow God to expose what is really going on... what the real, deep dynamics are. However, all too often, each partner will begin to justify their flesh patterns or will defend their rights or will excuse their differences, rather than stepping back and taking a long, hard look at what is root problem between them.
A good rule-of-thumb is that if I react strongly to someone the issue is not really about them as much as it is about me. Something in me is coming to the surface and God is just using the other person in order to expose this hidden area or thought or belief or dynamic within me. When we choose to look at it this way, it explains "marriage is God's chief sanctifying tool."
Instead of blaming or attacking each other, consider looking at the root of the issue. Start with yourself. Ask God to show you what is going on. Then, bring your issue to Him and/or confess and repent when necessary. The closer you are to God the more you will be able to draw near to your spouse and experience the "oneness" that God desires for you in your marriage.
Exercises:
1. What are some way that you try to make life work or try to feel good about yourself apart from God?
2. What were some of the expectations you had when you first got married?
3. How did you develop these expectations?
4. Have the expectations proven to be "realistic?" Why/why not?
5. How do you, as a couple, handle your disappointments and differences?
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Christian Marriage - Porn Addict Husbands
Whose Fault When Men Become Porn Addicts?
Four Mistakes Wives Must Avoid
Did you know:
That every second 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography?
That every second 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines?
That 40 million people in the United States are sexually involved with the Internet?
If you have any suspicion at all that your husband may be involved in pornography you must not sit idle. You'll be sorry if you wait around for evidence because by the time you get it, it may be too late. If your husband has nothing to hide then he should have no problems with your desire for accountability.
If you're ready to face the truth about men and pornography there are some important pitfalls you need to know about before you confront your husband. You must be aware of these four things because they do have eternal consequences.
1. Don't think it's just a "little problem"
2. Don't accept responsibility or blame for his problem
3. Pornography is a spiritual issue with eternal consequences
4. You cannot fight the battle alone
First, pornography is not child's play. It quickly becomes an addiction just as powerful as any drug and just like drugs, it grips a person in a stranglehold that is nearly impossible to break. And similar to drugs, it leads people down a path of diminishing returns.
Second, if your husband is involved in pornography you may find yourself thinking that there is something wrong with you, his wife. Don't believe this lie for one second.
It's critical that you point the finger in the proper direction because if you're willing to take the blame for his problem, he will never face up to it and without him owning up to the problem, it will never be resolved. He most likely had a sexual addiction long before he met you. Regardless, it has nothing to do with your appearance or the way you perform in the bedroom.
Third, pornography is a spiritual issue because a man's own perceived needs have become his god and he constantly seeks out ways to worship himself.
Your husband's problem with pornography is devastating to his soul. He is hell bound and literally living a life of hell now as he attempts to feed a growing monster that cannot be satisfied.
Finally, all this information would be very discouraging if you had to figure out how to deal with it all by yourself. Thank God that you don't. God is a strong tower you can run to when it's time to face this battle. You must first seek his guidance and comfort. The most difficult, yet most important step to take, is to recognize your husband's need for redemption. You will have to take your eyes off of yourself, and the pain and anger you are rightfully feeling, and learn how you can help him.
Ask God to give you the desire to find help for your husband. Seek a Christian marriage counselor that can lead you in the right direction. There are Biblical principles you can implement in broken relationships that can make redemption, reconciliation and restoration possible.
If you want to save your marriage from the poison of pornography and restore trust and true intimacy to your marriage, you must take whatever steps are necessary to help break the bondage of your husband's porn addiction.
The Benefits Of Pre Marriage Counseling
For many different sects of Christianity, pre marriage counseling is really compulsory. In fact, the priest will not marry the engaged couple unless they have the required number of counseling sessions in his presence. Usually, the church recommends a therapist or counselor for the couple to go to. The couple is required to attend these sessions very faithfully. These sessions are meant to teach the couple how the Christian faith wants them to behave as husband and wife in their married life, and how their religion expects them to bring up their children. This is a means to strengthen the Christian faith and make sure that the offspring carry on in the same manner. This is a very tedious process. It is a noble one too. For the sake of strengthening the faith and teaching the good values to the children and making sure that the children carry it forward to their next of kin, these pre marital or pre marriage counseling sessions have been organized by the priest.
A lot of hard work and dedication goes into the bonding and building of the principles around which the religion is centered. Counseling helps the couples to build a stronger foundation of marriage because prayer can help to unite even those families that are having a lot of problems. These sessions can help to make the foundation of the couple's marriage stronger and better. With the divorce rate so high these days, counseling sessions are definitely a big boon for the engaged couple. It is a proved fact that couples who have been counseled have a thirty percent lower divorce rate than those couples who have not been counseled.
How a couple can benefit from counseling sessions
Most marriages take place before the couple has been able to achieve what he desires in life. Therefore, the couple must make sure that their dreams and plans for the future are compatible with each other. This will save them from getting into arguments about these issues later on. Use the pre marriage counseling time to discuss openly about sex and family life. Differences in opinion about how many children the couple wants may lead to many problems later. Try to discuss all the problems you foresee so that the issues can be resolved amicably and in the presence of a professional.
Marriage between two different religious groups can cause problems so the couple will have to be very understanding to avoid conflicts.