What is Communication?
With over half of
the marriages in the U.S. ending in divorce, learning to communicate
effectively with your partner is crucial. Three common communication
misdemeanors in marriage are overreacting, changing the subject and
blaming each other, but with motivation and persistence, you can learn
constructive communication patterns that can improve your significant
relationships and rekindle the intimacy in your marriage. But before we
can talk about
effective communication, it's important to understand the
destructive
communication that permeates millions of marriages across the country.
Here is a conversation between Jim and Priscilla, a married couple who
have one son, Henry:
Jim: You create so many problems.
Why did you tell Henry he could try out for football when he hasn't been
getting good grades? You always mess things up.
Priscilla (defensively): I do not mess things up! Your problem is you
never do anything but sit in front of the TV. If you spent more time with Henry, he would be doing better at school. I
always end up doing
all the work, and sometimes I wonder why I even married you.
Jim (harshly): You are always putting too much on Henry's plate and setting him up for failure. What kind of mother are you, anyway?
Can
you spot the problems in their pattern of communicating? Jim and
Priscilla attack each other with an overuse of the word "you," and they
make exaggerated statements like "You
always mess things up."
They changed the subject from Henry playing football to Jim watching TV,
to spending more time with Henry, to Priscilla's mothering. Their
marriage is headed for trouble unless they get some form of relationship
therapy to improve their communication. But just what is communication?
Communication: the act of communicating, intercourse, exchange of ideas, conveyance of information.
The very definition of communication includes an
exchange of ideas from each side. When people
overreact
to one another, as often happens in close relationships, the actual
exchange of ideas is blocked, and the possibility of reaching a mutual
understanding is diminished. Over time, this lack of understanding often
leads to resentment, which can gradually erode the intimacy in a
relationship and lead to the ending of relationships that potentially
could have become extraordinary. Developing intimate and fulfilling
relationships with significant others can lay the foundation for
wonderful lives. As a specialist in relationship therapy, (hyperlink if
new site allows) I believe that relationships are our most valued
resource. But just what is
effective communication between two people?
Effective communication is sending the message you
want
to deliver, in a way that is understood by the other person. It is a
two-way process that helps you productively deal with the important
topics and common conflicts that are part of life. It involves being
proactive in bringing up a problem and being patient in terms of
listening while holding back and containing your feelings. Some barriers
to strong communication include passivity, problems taking turns, and a
lack of curiosity about the other person. Effective communication has
many rewards such as more intimacy in your significant relationships,
satisfaction and success in life, and positive relationships with your
loved ones, friends, clients, customers and acquaintances.
You often have to deal with a variety of people to reach goals along your path, and
effective and empathic communication can help you build successful relationships and work as part of a team to get things done.
If
you grapple with a mental health challenge, you may want to find a
coach, relationship therapist, minister or friend to help you with
issues that make effective communication difficult.
Here are six important skills that contribute to the art of effective communication:
1. Become Aware of Your Thoughts and Feelings
If you observe a toddler,you generally see
sadness, anger, happiness, joy, love and fear. These are the core emotions, and they often exist in a cluster. It's important to become
aware of the
range and depth of your feelings and to
hang in there with them
long enough to understand what you want to communicate and how you want
to word your message. If you have trouble knowing what you feel or
want, it can help to write down, three times during the day, how you
feel about a significant or stressful event
. For
example, if your spouse gets annoyed with you for not picking up your
clothes, you can note whether you feel annoyed, angry, hurt or
frustrated as well as other thoughts that are on your mind.
Eric often felt
annoyed
with his wife, Angela, for nagging him about picking up, but by taking a
day off and staying with his feelings longer, he was able to calm down
and learn that he also felt
hurt. In the process, Eric also
became aware of what his thoughts were toward Angela. Eric would think
to himself, "Gee, Angela is such a nag, she is always on my case."
Instead of talking to her about this, he would often resort to giving
her the silent treatment, which is an example of "passive aggressive
behavior," and it infuriated Angela. By taking a time-out, Eric was able
to get clear about both his thoughts and feelings, and then he could
figure out what he wanted to communicate.
Communicating that you
feel hurt is much more likely to be heard by a partner than
communicating annoyance or anger. In relationship therapy, anger is
often considered to be "the lid" on hurt. Knowing you are hurt enables
you to soften your message, which can greatly contribute over time to an
exceptional relationship. Stay with your feelings long enough to
identify the deeper feelings and get
clear what you
want
to communicate. Eric became stronger as a man as he developed his
ability to be aware of the range of his feelings and to speak up to
Angela instead of sitting on his feelings. This took some courage, but
the process became easier over time.
2. Go from Confusion to Clarity
If you are new at getting in touch with your feelings, it may take some time to
identify your
deeper feelings and get clear about your intended message. You may feel
confused and need to stay with the confusion long enough to reach a
state of clarity. Most people don't like the feeling of confusion and
will try to get out of this state. However, learning to tolerate some
uncertainty is central to cultivating stronger and more dynamic
relationship skills. It's totally normal to feel confused as you
overcome defensive reactions and get to what is deep inside. People who
are learning to be in touch with their feelings often need to go through
periods of confusion to develop the ability to connect with core
emotions. With practice, you can learn to become more connected to your
core feelings, which can greatly lead to more intimacy over time.
Keep a journal or make notes: Regularly
writing about your confusion can help you sort out your deeper
feelings. You need to hang in with your inner self until you get some
sense of what you are feeling. Remember, a healthy person knows what
they feel and what to do about it. Try on the different feelings (anger,
sadness, fear, excitement, frustration), and see what fits. You may
have milder versions of these five feelings such as annoyed, hurt,
anxious or upset, but they can all facilitate sharing about
yourself rather than telling your partner what she or he did wrong.
Eric
kept a journal about his feelings (possible hyperlink to Feelings
article if site allows) and wrote about his anger toward his mother.
This enabled him to realize that he was still angry and hurt by his
mother's treatment of him while he was growing up and that these
feelings were getting triggered by Angela's requests. Later, he was able
to tell Angela that old feelings about his mother were leading to his
rebellious behavior in their relationship. When a partner is able to
truthfully talk about a desire to rebel, he or she reduces the
probability of actually rebelling. Eric told Angela that he wanted to be
closer to her and wanted to work on taking charge of his messes. This
meant a lot to Angela, and she softened towards him and let him know she
wanted to work on her style of communication.
Take responsibility: When
both people take responsibility for their part in the stress or
ineffective communication, significant progress is possible. In
relationship therapy (possible hyperlink), Eric and Angela learned the
importance of taking some time to get clear and, instead of blaming each
other, owning
their separate parts of the conflict.
Angela
realized that she resorted to name-calling and blaming when they
argued, so she decided to take charge of her part and communicate
concerns in a more inviting way. Eric worked to become aware of his
feelings and to speak up rather than using the silent treatment. He also
took more responsibility around the house by picking up after himself,
which meant a great deal to Angela.
It was a real breakthrough for
Eric when he could say, "I feel like giving you the silent treatment
because I'm hurt, and I want to get even with you." Angela felt a new
closeness to Eric because she knew this statement took courage, and they
both grew to experience a new intimacy in their relationship. They both
agreed to have a "no name calling" rule and to work to own their parts
in a problem rather than resorting to blaming each other.
Say what you mean: Before relationship therapy, Angela would use an
ineffective
way to communicate her annoyance at Eric by saying, "You are such a
pig; you never pick up your clothes," which is an attacking and
defensive way to communicate that would push Eric away. After therapy,
she learned to say, "It
annoys me when I see your mess, and it
would mean a lot to me if you would pick up regularly." When Eric first
heard this message, he was ready to overreact, but the words "it would
mean a lot to me" triggered something positive in him. He held back
instead. Let's look at the effect that those seven well-chosen words had
on Eric.
Initially, he was a bit confused because he was
conflicted
about the whole subject of being neat. His mother had always barked at
him about his room, so this subject brought up some negative feelings
from the past. As a teen, Eric wanted to tell off his mother, but he
didn't feel safe doing that because he was afraid she would yell at him
and take away important privileges instead of hearing his concerns. He
grew up in a family where his parents didn't talk things out, and he
lacked role models for honest and healthy communication. As a result, he
had some suppressed, or buried, feelings toward his mother that were
being triggered by Angela. Conflict and over-control of his feelings
were leading to confusion. He wondered to himself, "Who am I really
angry with -- Angela, my mother or myself?
Take some time: To
figure out this problem, Eric stayed with his confusion for several
days, telling Angela that he needed to think things through. Angela
respected Eric's need for some private time, and this understanding
actually helped the two of them. Angela's words "it would mean a lot to
me" stayed with Eric, and he felt motivated to change. With the pressure
off, he was able to clarify that he wanted to have more intimacy with
Angela and that picking up was worth the extra effort. He began to
understand his deeper feelings by tolerating a few days of confusion.
Although it was challenging, he stuck with the process and it paid off.
Take a time-out: Eric
and Angela learned to take a time-out when they were heading toward
destructive communication. If you notice that your communication with
your partner or spouse is going nowhere, take a time-out from the
discussion so you can each calm down and identify what you really want
to communicate. On another occasion, Eric and Angela were fighting about
issues in their sexual relationship. Eric remembered to take a time-out
on this delicate topic and brought the subject up a day later when they
had both calmed down. Fortunately, Angela was able to take in what Eric
was saying, and they were able to have a meaningful discussion. Each
felt understood, and coming to a compromise drew the two closer.
An
excellent book on communication and being honest is "Tell Me No Lies,"
written by Dr. Ellyn Bader and Dr. Peter Pearson. This book will help
you learn to communicate effectively and speak your truth.
If you are not able to succeed on your own, brief relationship therapy can make all the difference. (possible link to site)
3. Be an Activator, not a Procrastinator
Procrastination
is postponing the completion of a task that leads to a desired outcome;
it's a universal problem that can put your life on hold and interfere
with creating a wonderful relationship. You can never get back the lost
time, but you can make good use of your time
now. Learning to
be an activator, or self-starter, is essential to the discovery of an
exceptional relationship with yourself and with others.
Far too many couples sit on their uncomfortable feelings and
avoid bringing up delicate or difficult topics because
they are afraid of the consequences. In relationship therapy, this is
often called "conflict avoidance." Why be an avoider when you can learn
to manage your feelings in a proactive manner? Activators do the
following:
- bring up problems as soon as they become aware of them and have figured out how they want to approach problems
- take charge and initiate action to communicate with others
- manage their anxiety because they want things to run smoothly -- You
can do this by focusing on your breathing, making a positive
affirmation such as "anxiety is a sign I am growing," and exercising
before having the conversation. Really focus on what the other person is
saying to take your mind off of yourself.
- want to develop the motivation to work toward healthy relationships
- share positive feelings and appreciations -- I've seen many couples
who want to get closer, but often one of them fails to share
appreciation with the other. Learn to communicate your appreciations as
soon as you notice them, and you'll be making a giant step toward a
flourishing relationship.
4. Take a Positive Approach
When
you are upset by your partner, it can be difficult to take a positive
approach. It's much easier to harbor negative feelings and forget the
wonderful attributes of your partner. Negative feelings can lead to
negative, reactive statements if you don't learn to hold back, use these
six tools, and remember the good things. As a relationship therapist, I
know that unresolved problems require us to put our best foot forward,
holding onto the things that matter to us about the other person.
Ted
periodically got annoyed at his wife, Rachel, for being too rigid with
their kids. After some relationship therapy, he learned to bring up a
problem the same day it happened rather than sitting on it until he was
ready to explode. This helped keep the conversation calm, and it broke
the pattern of explosive, go-nowhere communication. He learned to
communicate the following type of message that exemplifies a positive,
artful approach:
Rachel, I know you love the kids and are a
great mother, but I get angry and hurt when you start laying out a list
of rules for the kids. I would love to see you be more supportive when
the kids are doing well because you mean the world to them.
Remember
to start the communication with something positive, stressing something
you value in your partner. Then proceed to dive into the difficult
discussion, and remember to make your message clear, effective and
empathic. Train your brain to remember the positive things about your
partner and try to put yourself in the other's shoes. Rachel could take
in Ted's message very well because he artfully communicated it.
Of
course, there will be times when your partner will get defensive, so
ask your partner or spouse, "How can I word things in a way that will
not make you defensive?" and then listen closely to your partner. If the
conversation seems to be going nowhere, take a time-out and come back
to it. Consider saying to your partner "I need a time-out because I want
to get clear about my feelings and get closer to you. I will schedule a
time for us to talk in the next two days." A time-out can turn a
problem area into an opportunity for greater intimacy. Whoever decides
to take the time-out needs to be responsible for bringing the subject up
again in a day or two, or some time agreed upon by both partners.
5. Overcome Resistance
Many
people have visions about the kind of lives they want to lead, but they
don't get around to taking the steps necessary to achieve their goals.
Part of actualizing your potential in life is learning to do these
things when you don't want to. This is where developing your emotional
endurance and willpower really pays off. The following is a
mental-health rhyme that is a form of cognitive-behavior therapy. It can
provide you with forward-moving thinking. You can create your own
message that moves you forward, but this is one that worked for me and
is easy to remember:
Persistence
I can pull myself up, against my own resistance
To get a job done that I don't want to do
And I can do it over and over, for as long as it takes
To alter my existence, based on my insistence
That I can create the world that I want.
2006 by Patrice Wolters
Learning
to overcome resistance is sometimes the hardest part in making real
change because it feels like you don't even want to get started. This is
where "kick-in-the-pants" therapy really pays off. Just getting started
is an important part of healthy communication because so many people
avoid conflict
. One good way to get started is to tell your partner or spouse how much you
don't want to bring up a topic. This can facilitate a discussion that can lead to actually bringing up the uncomfortable part.
Most people avoid conflict because they think that they don't want to hurt the
other person, but in most cases they are really avoiding dealing with their
own feelingsand their fear of being hurt
. Remember, you can
learn
to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and to manage discomfort, which will
increase your probability of reaching the best stage of your life. Say
to yourself, "I can get through this conversation and come out the other
side. I will be a stronger person for it."
6. Communicate Empathically
This
skill often takes some practice, but it is well worth the effort.
Mostly it involves "just listening" with your heart to what the other
person is saying. With active listening, you can then feed back to the
other person (spouse, boss, friend, etc.) what you
hear is being said. To do this, listen for the inner feelings of the other person, and focus on what you hear that they
want.
This method will help you to calm down and focus, and it will invite
your partner to bring up topics she or he may prefer to avoid.
Rachel,
who sets many rules, might say to Ted, "I understand that you are
feeling bothered by the number of rules I set and that you want me to be
more balanced with the kids." This type of response lets Ted know that
Rachel heard him. It also lowers his annoyance and enables Rachel to
focus on him and not her own feelings about being criticized.
While
this may seem simple, it is quite a complex process; it involves
putting your own feelings aside while showing your partner that you
heard his or her response. Managing your own internal strife, listening
deeply to what your partner is saying, striving to put yourself in his
or her shoes, and asking good questions to promote empathy and
understanding will help you develop an extraordinary relationship. And
always remember the positive traits that first attracted you to your
partner.
If you have lost touch with the positive about your
partner, you can learn to find your way forward to a life-enhancing
relationship. Remember there is hope, there is help and it can be just a
phone call away.
